Original Video: Comedy Routine

Put up you too, but it's the evening and I'm doing a little bit of stand-up comedy. Gonna, fresh and only one can of Bud Light. Toast to the new album. Now, I think Bud Light has found their new ketchie jingle. You're gonna like this one folks. If you like country music, you know tailgate with Bud Lights But all my exes chase their sexes. Thank God we broke up back in 2003. Roseanne? It's like, oh that happens. You're going to want to grab a cold beer for this one. You're not going to believe what happened. Uh-huh. beer for this one. You're not going to believe what happened, us. Was down in San Francisco. L.G.B.T.Q. Sweet, I lean, is now called Steve. She looks just like a dude. And Allison takes medicine, somehow lost her sanity. And Pimples, well, it ain't't that simple fell in love with a drag queen. see all my exes change their sex not damn hard. But you couldn't like make this song a reality because you probably offend some trans person. And it's like I support trans people man and the cool thing about Dave Chappell. He makes fun of everybody dude he makes fun of his own race, he makes fun of white people, he includes everyone in his comedy. But when Dave Chappell's trans friend Daphne was bullied into committing suicide by her own fellow trans people it was just so disgusting. So disgusting. Then you have that one fucking cut who pulled that stupid bullshit in Tennessee. Oh, Audrey Hells a crazy on attractive nasty swants. What the fuck would World Country Songs look like in today's society, man? If you see like Taylor Swift writing another song about getting her heart broken by a dude, but now that dude's transitioning. She's a she! Or like estrogen lullaby. Should be a parody of Brad Paisley's whiskey lullaby. it would be an estrogen lullaby, it would be a country song about a dude transitioning into a chicken getting estrogen shots. She tried to hide the stubble on her face with elegance and grace. Tried to convince them she was lady enough. Try to convince them she was lady enough I mean you can make it like a really dark depressing kind of a few songs about trans people, you know Doing some fucking self-depleting bringing awareness to like stopping that kind of thing, you know I'm a lousy comic. I went to an anti-suicide convention to do comedy and it was so bad they told me to kill myself. No, fuck suicide. That's my dark sense of humor. No bond the real note. I've been getting so much crap for having puff. And I'm like, it's laughable, dude. No one cares that I have a fucking lizzard. I got people who are willing to help me take care of it. And I'm like, it's laughable dude. No one cares that I have a fucking lizard. I got people who are willing to help me take care of him. He's going to live a very happy life. I want to check in on him and he's sleeping. Over the weekend, I want to get him some mangoes and some hard boiled eggs. Because those are foods Beardies can have. Yes, I'll be using a lot of my album money to stock up on his heat lamp and light bulbs and his food so that he's as comfortable as possible. Leaving a little bit of shit in his cage I also to recognize that's his sense that's his dwelling. And he's gonna live a long life I don't with him or anything you know I took him out of his cage to watch be with some butthead with me and then put him back in there gently of course and then the next day it took him out to take a little warm bath in the bathtub. It helped with his stock shed on his tail. And then I put him back in his cage, let him do his thing. Next day in the cage was covered in a shed. Like even a complete re-time like me can take care of a bearded dragon. I've been spurging out, learning everything I can. If you go on to Google and you completely Google, what do you do to dragons eat? It'll give you a list of foods, fruits, vegetables, and bugs, is what they eat. it is man, my children's little jealous of pop, it's ridiculous. I choose to focus in all the fans, though I like, dude, pop kicks ass, and I'm like, I'll drink for that. I like reptiles, man, they're cool. Yeah. She used to be a hurt and now she's a heat. But all my… I look at you all fucking if you're in a little bit is on the face of the camp. I'm still gonna fucking drink it. I support trans rights, but I, you know, sexually just, you used to have a dick. Nope. You're getting a jick or you used to have a dick. No thank you. No, thank you. No thank you. You do whatever makes you happy, they, them. Just don't be a sicko or a psychopound or an inhuman piece of shit or a racist. X-Sakes change their sexes. Yeah, that sounds like… Hey God, we broke up back in 2003. Some folks think I'm far right. But I just don't prefer guys. Hey God, we broke up back in 2003! And I'll never work in Nashville. Matter of facts, it just might. There you go, Bud, your new jingle for your beer. So like what's the deal with Tesla's? They're kind of cool, they drive themselves. They're going to free up your hands with some extracurricular activities. And you're drunker than a J bird. So you're hopping your Tesla and program it to self-driving mode and en route to the nearest Taco Bell. Couldn't get lay at the bar so you're jacking off in your Tesla. Like what the fuck is that like the next rap song? I'm touching myself and my Tesla. Uh-uh. Windows are tainted so people ain't shocked. Electrifying, it's satisfying. Uh, touching myself and my Tesla. Catch my load and a lot of tissue so I don't got an issue. Washing my hands with hand sanitizer. But they're looking at my trash can and my Tesla's surprise. Asking all kinds of questions. Do you got COVID? I'm like, Nah,ah, don't worry about it. Oh And this mother fucking is… no. Nope. powered by a shit that can call it the Ford Fico. Speaking of Taco Bell, it's like pooping the gas taking at 334 miles to the gallon. Uh-huh. Eco-friendly and Fico-friendly. Ford Fickle. I'm Sam Elliot, you need to get shit done. Are you tired of a fucking shooting gas mileage? You're a Ford Fickle. on the horn doesn't that just like you know I'm saying some dick in front of using their Tesla jacket off and they're not paying attention the car is being stupid so it's not your fucking fault the guy behind you's hoping this heart like blue and asshole and then you're like it's not and it releases the poop fumes into the asshole behind you. So you can tell the household driver to eat shit. But can you imagine if you got into a car crash because of that shit? Like you're just driving your Tesla, having a wink. Hey look, I got two stick shifts in my Tesla. Yehah. Might have to recharge after this. Like if some dudes just been low with this fucking Tesla like, oh yeah, you're a dirty bitch. I've learned to stream of age porn on on the on the screen imagine pulling up to somebody at the stoplights subwoefers crank in and all you hear is oh yeah spake me harder It's not miles per hour, it's masturbation per hump. You want some milk to go with them cookies? Stuck up the stopway and the dude gets T-boned while masturbating in his Tesla. That one's so kill the fucking vibe if he… Now if he did get hurt, thank God nobody got hurt in this scenario, but like, you'd be like, Oh shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Now it's like you're trying to zip your dick up, wipe your hand off, wash your hands, delete the porn history from your internet Tesla search, and hopefully you can do all that before the fucking paramedics and the cops get there. Self-driving, yeah. Great for like, you know, if you got like a drinking and driving thing going, you know, you don't got money for a tipsy cab. I can see where Tesla's coming handy. But have you tried drunk texting your girlfriend? Like baby, I love you so much. I want to see you. Nah. And it's like, fuck Sickos. And it's like… It doesn't text that. It takes, I love you Baywatch. And then your wife's going, oh so you like Pamela Anderson now, I see how it is. Fucking pig, all men are the same. And you're like, that's not what I was trying to text you. Oh my god, stupid auto correct. And wait a minute. I saw you drooling as far as you, you hypocrite. Oh, don't make this about me, asshole. You're the one I could have checked it. Hash drunk texting. Imagine being loaded and trying to program your like Tesla like you know it sounds really good right now. Taco Bell. What time is it? Well they're still open sweet. Yes. Hey Tesla. Take me to the nearest Taco Bell. No, it doesn't work like that.. Yes. You're so fucking drunk? What do you think? I want to get me some Taco Bell? You type you're in a fucking address by the time you come out of your drunk and stupor driving yourself. On the outskirts of town, like, this isn't Taco Bell. Son of a bitch I drunk typed the wrong address. God motherfucking damage. That's scooing. I want to drain my bandering I'll turn it off. Wake up in the morning, pass out in your Tesla, be like. Your girlfriend's blowing up your phone. Who the fuck are you with? Are you cheating on me with the blonde you piece of shit? Oh my head. What? What?…? What? Reading your text messages back like a ferns. It's golden. You can tell those piece of shit drivers what's what? Well, flipping them off. You know why the church bell got cut off from sex? His girlfriend said you better put a ring on it. Huh? That's a church bell joke that never gets old. I don't care what anyone says. I see my boy puff chilling old King Cobra, and I'm like, more lazy than puff chilling out, or my YouTube trolls are trolling me. It's like, you people don't have a hobby, do you? I'm a wand maker, I'm a guitar player, I'm taking care of a bad-ass greater dragon, and I'm a famous youtuber. I got more going for me in my life than you do, and it's fucking sad. Like what the fuck are they gonna text me? You better not go on YouTube and make more shitty comedy boy. It's just like, thanks for watching dude. You know why cheese is really good at playing guitar? Because of the strings and the shredding. The cheesiest guitar joke in my repertoire, yes. That's good fun, you too. How do you make a guitar thrower fits? You use the whammy bar. Have to age restrict this to your comedy video to 21 up because that's how you gotta be drink the Bud Lines Yeah, speaking of the Bud Light, have you met my girlfriend Anne Heiser Bush? Yeah, she's got some nice cans, but I tell you what our relationships on the rocks. She gives mean head and she's a real squatter too. Who? Does she want to get her going? I would do the beer trick after saying that, but the cans don't squirt and that's all right. You see me do the beer trickly. You know, sprayed that bitch like a spitting cold, Rogers. No mercy. Well, I met him if you're a pussy or a Pokemon, it would be a score at all. And I did it with my arbog. Yeah. The fans did send me a bitch and a cigar or I'm saving on that. When the weather gets nice enough will do a review on it. I'm dropping a new album at 12 o'clock. Live premiere and deathbed tapes videos. Long live on Zian Puff Mother Fuckers. Boy does it piss them off. Best part about owning Puff is knowing how much it pisses off my trolls and I take good care of him and I slay trolls for days. I mean like, okay, if you're eating puff a lie, bug and filming it and saying, eat the trolls puff, it's cute to a point. But like what the trolls do is just next level dumb, fucked up you know what I'm saying like damn the troll spent last time bullying me they could have a puff of their own but their obsession with me would kill their bearded dragon I'm naturally good with animals and within the first through the four days of having puff he instantly relaxed. He sheds in his cage he poops in his cage he eats and drinks water in his cage he chills and drinks on his cage and basks in his heat lamps. Then when he wants to take a nap he takes a nap. And when he wakes up he wakes up. Pretty straightforward. He's a handsome beard and dragon and I shall do everything in my power to keep him safe and well taken care of. That's the better use of my time than worrying about my trolls talking shit. I swear to God, dude, my subway, that's one giant cheesy tabloid magazine. That's what it feels like. Only instead of focusing on, like, oh, Hillary Clinton's a lizard person. It's like… King Cobra breeds funny. What a piece of shit! Doesn't know how a fucking breeze. Yeah. Breeds funny. What a piece of shit. Doesn't know how to fucking breathe. Yeah, this video sucks. You see what you did in this video today? Yeah, I made this pasta with blue talkies because I made the noodles green. Oh joy. Those meals are actually pretty tasty. The talkies added a nice cool color and a flavor to it. And they were definitely plenty spicy. And so I hate Cobra. I always been all day crapping on him for having a lizard. They're telling him not to go live. I'm like a mad wizard with a kick-ass lizard. When I'm stabbing my fucking trolls in the gizzard with a butterfly knife like a butterfly sting with a bee motherfaca you little shit talking pussy spitting flows illest like nobody knows rocking these trolls at talent shows 28th it's gonna be dropping tomorrow dog so you're gonna want to get that new album before it's too late because the last one sold for like fucking fire and deathbed tapes was kind enough to do another batch because it was so popular people were just like dude I like Cobra's music it's cool man it's experimental it's uniquely his own with influences of course like what you hear in Satan's Bell but like people want a rap album so yeah I do I'm proud of that rap album make kids mother fucking ass in his store Cantina the Go Graz Cantina The songs are like unpredictively spaced apart to give it variety and something fresh. And I think it makes it more less than in my opinion. There is also an imagined John Leonard vocal cover which is available for free with the online version, but on the album version it doesn't have that. And I do an explicit warning intro for it like the following rap album is seriously profane. listeners discretion advised if you were offended by it kiss my ass burgers. I'm not going to say it's the greatest rap album because I'm sure there'll be other albums I'll make there will make it even better. Well I do another rap album if I feel like it, yes, but I'm cool with the album for a bit, know focus on right night scary story and slang trollss because if I got Dragon Cobra properly edited by a professional writer and self-published and the first couple of copies people are like I dig this story dude it's really good and it captivates you. And if they're not going to be a fucking dick and like, fucking steal it, you know, that's a more productive use of my time, taking care of my lizard and writing a bad-ass novel that's got all the key components that people look for in a good read. Keeping Puffs safe is more important than filming him all the fucking time. So that's why if you don't see Poth videos all the time, I don't want to stress them out the camera. If he sees his own reflection on the camera, he might try to attack it because he'll think it's another wizard. That's why I put the tape and the paper on the glass so it doesn't get stressed out on his own own reflection. You know what I'm saying? I love my puffers, it's a fucking bad-house bearded dragon and the troll's gonna suck my dick. This is the only bugline I have, this is the only one I need it. I didn't really need it so much as I wanted it, you know, like I was craving a beer. I didn't need a whole case to get me there, you know, just one to have the taste. I haven't been drinking very much the last couple of days. Simply put, because puffs need are more important than alcohol to be honest. It'll teach me to budget my money and help me cut down on my drinking. Oh, which I can drink with the best of them but like, what does it prove dude? Not a damn thing. All it does is make your tolerance go straight through the fucking roof and then you gotta fucking drink a ton of beer to get a buzz and it's bullshit. Sure, it looks good on like bragging points, but like when you're not in competition mode, for that kind of stupidity, to a point it's stupid, but also to a point it's fun, because alcohol has its effects. Banning AR-15s didn't work, isn't going to work because you tried alcohol probation, so I proposed a solution. outside of our schools and churches. isn't going to work because you tried alcohol prohibition so I propose a solution arm guards outside of our schools and churches. Because if you ban AR-15 some dickhead is just going to 3D put it in their basements. A little bit of gun control wouldn't hurt though I mean shit if you have to be 21 or older to buy an AR-15 or an assault type rifle and then make a lot harder to get than regular guns and you got to weigh a minimum of 60 days before buying another one and the clips cannot have anything over 30 rounds or less, no bump fires, no fully automatic. It lets the conservative cocksuckers keep their pupae sticks. Yes sir, I've shot an AI 15 out on the range, I've made shooting videos with my buddies, you've seen them Darflenny they're awesome that's what guns should be about but like the media and the assholes twist it you know it's just convenient when everyone's just like all white people are racist assholes and it's like hey well not all like like that man power to the people I support King cover JFS black flame to like my green smoke, you know Peace love a chicken grease and hell Satan And Hal Satan. Shire out to live our Aapap in Vishnu. Black flaming to light my green smoke, because we just the one love. This is Sydney Watson video response. I'm going to do it. I'll do and I'll do it when I'm ready to do it. It covers a lot of really sensitive topics. I don't know how crazy everything is politically. I'm like holding back on it you know because you got to address it from both sides and there's a lot of crazy controversial shit happening in our society today, so like, ech. And like it gets to a point where you just burn down on the topic because you talk your points, people are going to take what you say and twist it and call you a piece of shit.. It looked like some evil source who were a villainfucker with these cobras just sitting in like meh like meh like these cobras just sitting in like meh. Yeah, time to foil the trills again. Go a beard and get a beard a dragon. Yeah. Never stop laughing at farts. If you think farts are funny when you're an adult, never stop laughing at them. Confucius say Manny Fartan Church sit in his own pew. Yeah. black with a bonicle. This is the first one so it's like a arrows. My Bearded Dragon Safety is more important than making contents. Now if I put the camera on Puff's face and he puffs up, you know, he's saying, hey, I don't want to be filmed right now. I learned to read your beardies language. That's what's cool about beard and dragons. They're very similar to cobras and that when they're stressed out, they puff up, you know. I can't afford to raise reptiles so puff is actually really perfect for me right now. He's going to live a long life. And honestly no more pets after him right now because I can't afford it. I can, you know what I'm saying, I can make puff work because they're easy to take care of. and mainly just let them chill and do their thing and feed them a proper diet. Plenty of water, they'll be happy. Let them lounge around and you know talk to your lister like you would in the other pet but against my puffers. And they pick up on your vibes, animals, they do. That's why I co-work where I can make friends with the meanest dog on the block I shit you know your boy Cobra When I was a kid my neighbor had a pit bull named Shorty and this dog was Fekin psycho But as soon as I came outside that dog would play with me and It was just like a boy and his dog kind of thing. Yes sir. My gift with animals is freaking sweet. I was back when I lived in South Lake Tahoe California, a really pretty place to live, but holy fucking sure, are they expensive? That's why I like Wyoming, you know, it's rural country. It's a little bit cheaper, living in the bigger cities. Some people from Los Angeles would call it living in the slicks, but I'm like… Well, there's a reason why Kim Kurnashian and Kaniy West bar a place out here because it's pretty country. put down the cell phone, look at looking for you, beautiful Wyoming landscape, the mountains, tranquility. Yeah, this next little bit is for all my fellow Wyoming nights. It's, it was inspired by a billing vaults, you might be a redneck, but it's called, you might be from Wyoming if. So if you're from Wyoming or if you live in the state, don't take no offense to it now, it's just a good ribbon. I think we can all use a good ribbon with some barbecue sauce. That joke was so bad. No. You might be from Wyoming if you use a rattlesnake as a lasso. Then clean this! Yeah, Earl! Let's go get drunk at the beacon and fuck with viral snakes. And shoot off guns, I'm already there. This is a cute little cowboy joke. You might get a chuckle out of this. You know what the old Bronco rider said to the young buck? Let me show you the ropes. Ah! You know what? Cowboys love to put on this salad? Well, I heard it was ranch dressing. You might be from Wyoming if you met your to Lofen Jug without running into one of your axes. You might be from Wyoming if you going through a dry spell. The only blow job I get is when I step outside. Man that Casper wind is vicious. It's like the only thing more brutal than a six year dry spell are wilding winners. Fuck. in a Wyoming winner you want to talk about blueballs you told Mother Nature to bite me and then she gave you frost buying your balls fuck that noise you're like I'm pretty sure that's not how you're supposed to chronologically free sperm like ah you might be from Wyoming if you have more guns and trucks and you do X-grow Ah. You might be from Wyoming if you have more guns and trucks than you do ex-girlfriends. we will hang you next to your god damn horse. Welcome to Wyoming. April love our trucks, our guns, and our cow girls and our beer. If you got a problem with that, kiss my American ass. How long has this God-dam video? Christ Almighty is a cut. I'll keep it. Yeah, so there's three cowboys sitting by the campfire all having a pissing contest of who's more tougher. First one says, I wrote a bowl. With no jock strap, and Hock tied his ass, didn't get kicked in the balls. I'm the toughest cowboy there ever was. Second cowboy says, that ain't shit. They bit the head off a rattlesnake and drink its venom. I'm the toughest motherfucker there ever was. Well the third cowboys should sit in there stirring the fire with this dick going ain't that some shit. man. I know I'm getting older because the hashtag back in my day was the pound sign. And I know I ain't getting laid. My girlfriend has a lot of phone sex. She really likes the pound sign, dude. Anheiser Bush, you cheating. She gets passed around the room. Everyone wants to taste of her, dude. Anyways.