Original Video: stand up

Stop you crazy fuckers? King Cobra JFS back out of it with another video. It is currently, uh, let's see temperature outside. 0 degrees! Fuck off! Just kicking back with an ice cold bush peach line. I'm going to do some stand-up comedy because Cobra's a funny fucker. What's the deal with decorative towels? Have you seen these things? If you're a man and you have decorative towels in your bathroom you're either gay or you're married to a woman. Imagine the board meeting for that design. It's like, we need a product that's completely useless, but it makes people feel fancy. Ideas, Johnson shoots. What's our demographic audience? Gay couples and married men. I got it, decorative towels. And you meet the assholes who are super anal about their decorative towels. They're like, please do not draw your hands off on the decorative towels. We have towels by the bathroom, by the bathroom sink for that. It's like, well, what's the point of having a towel on your bathroom if you can't draw your hands off on it? Yeah, one towel says it's one o'clock somewhere. Second towel says don't talk to me tell how I coffee. Third towel says I eat my feelings with chocolate potato ice cream. Decorative towels. What's next? Decorative tilla paper. Don't wipe your ass with this tilla paper. It's decorative. I tell you what t toilet paper was like gold during the pandemic. You see people walking around like trench coats like you're dealing drugs. But no, there's a sling in toilet paper, dog. What's your need, man? Well, I'll need something that's really soft. Because like society, being full of overly sensitive assholes, I have one too and I'm also full of shit. What do you got that super absorbent soft? Chachachachah chachah chah chah chah, ultra soft charm, man. Decorative towels. Like what's next? The decorative bathroom, Like don't even… We don't even use that bathroom, it's just for decoration. Well where'd you go to shit? We should have by the creek. Decorative towels. Kiss my ass. If the dog's humping your leg, have you seen this? It's like a tempted rape, the fuck so it goes. Get off me, you bastard. No, don't get off on me. Ew. I need one of those decorative towels. Bob Barker here, telling you not to let your dog help your leg. At least we're supposed to do the dogs like four times your fucking size, dude. If I walk up to a chick on a bar, sort of the hump on her leg, I probably get maced in the face. You're sitting here having this conversation with your dog, like, quit humping my leg, you bastard. The dog's like, but you have a possible thumbs. You can masturbate, let me help your leg, you bastard. You're like, well, you can lick your, let me help your leg you bastard, and you're like yeah well you can lick your own crotch so I think that makes us even, I gotta buy a chick drink and have a bar to get that to happen to me. I like Walmart, not a sponsor. Very convenient. Where else can you go to buy tampons, pads, a shotgun, a new pair of pants and some ice cream all in one convenient location? And fucking while we're there, grab some beer too. You could tell by the two cups, well, two types of guys who are buying pads at the store. They're either buying pads at the store. They're either buying it for their daughter because they're a single dad or they're buying it for their woman. And the conversation usually starts off the same. Why the fuck is she not here? I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I'm scared shitless. Fucking, she should be here for her daughter. Why the fuck am I doing this crap? single dad. Versus, why the fuck am I here? As soon as I go home, I'm going to get yelled at for buying the wrong kind. It's like, well, God damn it, my daughter's on her period. Guess I'm going to have to buy a shotgun to scare them boys off because they smell in the pheromones. She's not feeling so pretty so I'm gonna get her some ice cream to cheer her up. Come to think of it, I can also use a new pair of pants. The stress of this makes me want to drink. Yeah, fuck, you'll just have ourselves shop on the day of Walmart. You might be from Wyoming if you like to drink beer and watch monster trucks. And I'd pay to see that. Little people driving big-ass monster trucks, you cannot tell me that wouldn't be fucking awesome. Lye, but the Casperd event center, it's mid-it monster truck madness. Watch Little People Drive big-ass trucks. Tickets on sale now. You can't tell me that wouldn't be fucking awesome. Sponsored by Monster Energy Drink. You know what kills me about alcoholism? It's people are just like, it's a disease. You're powerless to do anything about it. And I'm like, yeah, if I'm powerless to do anything about it, why the fuck am I at this if I'm powerless to do anything about it, why the fuck am I at this AA meeting? Hmm. It's a disease. I'm like, bull shit. Cancer is a fucking disease. It's like, so and it. How you doing? I'm pretty sick too. I got alcoholism. So also how you doing? I just donated money to a charity that helps with HIV, AIDS, and Africa. It's a really wonderful charity. How's your day going? I'm pretty sick too. I gotta hangover. So once, how you doing? I just found out someone I know has COVID-19. I don't know what I'm going to do. How are you doing? I need another beer. Someone so how you doing? I just found out I have tuberculosis. I hope that my insurance covers the vaccination for it. How you doing? I'm pretty sick too. Bar transgender, it fits me another one. Well I tell you what, when you see people who get beat up, okay, there were people out there who were so fucking transphobic. They were literally physically assault people. You see people getting beat up because they're transgender, it's fucked up. And it ain't right, but you're not going to hear a peep out of the trans community when it's a transgendered athlete. Here comes Tim. I mean his new name is Tina. Sorry, my bad. 34 years old benefited from testosterone his entire life. Barely has enough estrogen to qualify as a female and just beats the shit out of his fellow females. Like what's next? We're going to give baseball player steroids because they say that's how their pronouns are. Get flocked. I got a solution to that. Let's give trans people their own sports leagues. I pay to see that too. The transgender USC fighting league. In this corner we have transgender Tina. In this corner we have non-binary Ben. Let's get ready to rumble! Hey! Oh my god, stop it! Like how is your week? That was fucking awesome. I watched a bunch of Midas drive monster trucks and then I watched a bunch of trans people beat the shit out of each other. God so so progressive right now. Wyoming is a cowboy redneck state, give you a context, and that you might be from Wyoming, but it's a ripoff of Jeff Foxworthy's, you might be a redneck, and it kind of works. You might be from Wyoming, if you've ever pissed on a rattle stick or camping. If your truck has more lift than a 60 year old woman with fake tits, you might be from Wyoming. says free beer for a year cowboy goes into inquire about this offer bartender says if you can make my horse laugh I'll give you free beer for a year all right cowboy goes out back comes back in horses laughing its ass off bartennial says well I'm a man of my word here's free beer for a year cowboy comes back a a year later sees a sign-up free beer for a year cowboy comes back of my word. He gets free beer for a year. Cowboy comes back a year later, sees a sign up. Free beer for a year. Cowboy goes in there. Barthenner says, if you can get my horse to stop laughing, I'll give you free beer for a year. Okay, Cowboy goes out bad, comes back in. forces crying, horse is crying cowboy says, I told you a horse that my dick was bigger, the second time I proved it. There are three cowboys sitting around the campfire, arguing about who's the toughest motherfucker in these parts. First cowboy says, I'm the toughest motherfucker there ever was. I rolled a bowl for two whole god-dam minutes with no cup, and then I hog-tied his ass in eight seconds or less. I'm the toughest motherfucker in these parts. Second cowboy says, that ain't shit. I got bit by a rattlesnake, and I bit its head off, drank the blood,, and drank the poison-draked- the toughest motherfucker in these parts. Third cowboys should sit there stirring the fire with this dick going, ain't that some shit. If you met your future ex-wife at the rodeo you might be from Wyoming. The rodeo is pretty popular around Wyoming so this next one is just for all my local Wyoming nights. Yeah. If you met your future ex-wife at the rodeo, you might be from Wyoming. How the hell are they going to call it sneaking at the beacon? It's not very sneaky if it says it on the sign. Are you sneaking at the beacon? No? No, I was out helping my, couple my, helping my boys at the ranch. Bullshits! You might be from Wyoming if you like to shoot guns and drink beer. Hey, Clements, yeah, Earl, what are you doing today? I'm going to Walmart to get me a cheap gun and then I want to go to the liquor store and get me some keystone. You want to go to the shooting range on the country property? You have me at Beer and Guns. Here in Wyoming we have a state slogan, it says, welcome to Wyoming, consider everybody armed and dangerous. And we use that slogan. Here in Wyoming we love our trucks, we love our guns, we love our beer, we love our cow girls. If you got a problem with that, kiss my American ass. guns and dogs that you do ex-wives, you might be from Wyoming. If you own a horse, you might be from Wyoming. You know what kills me about Wyoming? There were some folks here who were a bit homophobic. And I got a theory on that. Like why are you so perturbed about what two grown-ass adults that are consenting alive and non-related humans do behind closed doors? Either because you're gay or you're not getting your dick sucked. It's what it is. It's like well maybe if you sucked your wife's pussy off every once in a while, see where it gets you. every once in a while, see where it gets you. And I get it as a straight person, but it's like, bro, you're gonna hate on homosexual dudes, but you love to eat Rocky Mountain oysters. Bill involved, here's your sign. You're sitting there like, Uh, uh, being all homophobic, and shit, but you're literally putting the balls and a male animal in your mouth. What is the Wyoming delicacy? You might be from Wyoming if you've ever been kicking the balls by a horse or a bowl. You still there? Yeah, oh fuck, did they pop? No, okay, fuck, get them some ice, a cigarette, walk it off. Here in Wyoming we have bears, coyotes, mountain lions, and rattlesnakes. Oh my. If you ever trying to get drunk and fight a bear on bear trap, you might be from Wyoming. Yes, sir. If you ran to one of your exes at Lofen Jug, you get a pack of cigarettes, you might be from Wyoming. Why did the church bell get cut off from sex from his girlfriend? She said you better put a ring on it, mister. What did one church bell ringer? say the younger church bell ringer? She said you better put a ring on it Mr. addiction. Well, why, why? If you like to take your truck out and racing in the mud, if you like to take your truck out mudding, you might be from Wyoming. I've never understood the appeal of that because it's just like you spend all day waxing and washing your your truck making it look all pretty and shiny and then it's so God damn shiny shiny you can see the songs reflection off of it. Cheeze! And it's like well I've spent two hours detailing my truck. Let's go driving in some mud. You have fun with that. If you get drunk at the beacon and then smoke crystal mess and then try to fuck your neighbors go, you might be from Wyoming it's like what the fuck are you doing I'm going I'm going off the Glenorocks to my neighbor fuck you you want to Glenorocks to see my neighbor. Fuck you. You want to talk about small towns? I'm not trying to dog on anyone's town here, but Midwest is got to be the smallest god damn town in Wyoming. Holy shit! How small is Midwest? If you fart someone halfway across town and go, smells like Bob had beans for dinner. Midwest is so small that when they're like we're going to go to the big city and have a shopping trip What they mean is we're coming to Casper and going to Walmart You know what they call it, Midwest, because you're midway between a bigger city. It's not the wrong with living in a smaller town, but God damn, dude. Considering that Cheyenne, Wyoming, and Casper, Wyoming are like the two biggest cities in Wyoming I should tell you something. So I got Martin Luther King Jr. coming up in two days. Martin Luther King Jr. days coming up in two days and I'm all here to celebrate. silk meat and it's really be tasty. All the caramel candies have dissolved. Last time I made this recipe, it's doing the same thing I did last time I made it. So it should be some tasty apple wine. What I don't understand is why the fuck people are so divided anymore. It's just sad. There's too much god damn hatred in our society. It's become this thing where it's like young versus old, black versus white, trans versus non-trans. And I'm sick of it. You know, too much hatred makes you an asshole, too much love makes you a pushover, so you gotta find a healthy balance. You might be from Wyoming if you've ever pissed on a rattlesnake while camping. I don't skilpiss at it yet. You say, oh Jesus Christ. And speaking to Jesus Christ, it's like, you know what kills me about the alcoholics anonymous? You have to accept Jesus' Christ as your lord and Savior to beat your alcohol addiction. It's like, yeah, but didn't Jesus' blood turn the wine? Sounds like this guy knows how to party. Like, you better get my ass super-superf ass superfucking drunk before they nail that cross tomorrow. Just sitting there drunk, getting able to cross, drunk off his ass. Yeah, you're going to nail me to this cross, well I nailed your mom. She had my second coming, bitch. And like what's the deal with pronouns? I identify as a slitherin. Super saying. Uh-huh. You can't force people to accept you, you just have to accept yourself and accept that people are going to have their flaws. If you're so secure with who you are as a person, don't want to get to you. What kind of bread likes to have sex? Pumper nickel. Pumper full of gum and give her a nickel. Why did the female baker go to the gynecologist? She had a yeast infection. Yes, sir. You know why men go to the proctologists? Because men are assholes. You know why women go to the gynecologist? Because women are cuns. And why do they call it the guy that colleges? Guys don't have vaginas until they get married. Because their wife steals their balls. You see what I'm going with this? Okay. That is some tasty brew. And it's like nice grill drink fagget and I'm like dude, I know I'm a female askraver including titties. That bearest for pussies. Well I like getting pussy. That's a pussy beer. I'm like, no, amorath using her bowl for eight whole, God damn seconds. Let's see you perform brain surgery blindfolded. And it's like women get so triggered by the word cunts. I love it. It's my favorite cuss word because of how offensive it is. Cunt, cont, cont, cont, cont, minge little cunch. Think of picket your minge misses. Show me your nicke's. Cont, cont, cont, cunt, cunt, cunt, Kunt, Kunt, Kunt. Now it's not like I got choreps, don't I? Fucking, kunt, shit, wanker, fuck. pottymouth language and like Kobe got a pottymouth. Why? Because I talk a lot of shit. Okay. I tell you what, no respect. I know I had getting laid. The only one getting the piece of ass around here is my toilet. It gets a, we got a relationship with On the Rocks. A little Jack Daniels joke, I thank you. And she came out as bisexual. She said, Biden and me started having sex with other guys. Regiculous. Pick up lines to get chicks. If you're out a bar, it's like, can I just do in a stiff cock and then she gets offended. Pick up lines to get chicks. If you're out a bar, it's like, can I interest doing a stiff cock and then when she gets offended? You're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, I meant this, what I was trying to say is stiff cocktail. A stiff cocktail. Off when to buy you a drink. Where's your mind going? My girlfriend said, I look sexy with a six-pack of bushacht and I'm like, how about now? Look at these abs. Oh yeah! Why did the six pack become an accountant? So they could crunch the numbers. Uh-huh. I'm like, what a pain in the acid is to maintain a six pack of abs. You gotta cut out all the delicious food and life. Bacon cheeseburgers and pizza and beer. No thank you. calling us men pigs is equally as degrading as saying the word cunts but if you try telling a woman that she tell you to shut the fuck up and check your male privilege I'm like oh okay that's rich don't you call her out on her hypocrisy when she calls all her friends cunts you know what I'm saying like what is that it's like you got four besties at the mall Cuts, you know what I'm saying? Like, what is that? It's like you got four besties at the mall just doing gal shit, you know? Cheryl, Bree, Lindsay, and Taylor. And Cheryl just got a new purse, and she's showing it off. Oh my God. And all of her friends are just like, oh my God, Cheryl, would you get that purse? It's fabulous oh my god stop it she like oh I got it on sale at the thrift store can you believe it oh I love it so much then as Cheryl gets up to use the bathroom all of her friends were like oh my god that cunt thinks she's all that in the handbag? Please. She looks like a total slot with that handbag. Oh my God. What it is… And don't you dare shame a woman for being equally as shallow as a man because that's slot shaming? When they accuse you of slot shaming, my response is, quit calling yourself a slot. That's not very nice. You gotta have a self-positive image in our cheek, huh? You know what you call a funeral bell? A dead ringer. Wow. Yeah, I tried to stand up comedy at an anti-suicide convention. I was so bad they told me to kill myself. anti-suicide convention. I was so bad they told me to kill myself. You're not trying to stand up comedy at a hospital. It was so bad people started pulling their own plugs. They're like, well it couldn't get any worse from here, so I tried to instead of comedy at a funeral. How'd you do on that? I knocked him dead. I was killing it on the fucking jokes. Why did the zombie go to the mental asylum? He was a real casket case. Pardon me gorgeous but do you work at a funeral home because you're drop dead gorgeous you gave me a stiff one in my pants okay that's not appropriate you know what you call a zombie with too many jobs a working stiff okay how many of these jokes do you got? Oh, I got a million of them YouTube. Here's a classic code where Josh Joke. If you hear about the horse who became a keymaker, yeah, he called his business horse locks and keys. Do you hear about the baker who had too many farks? They were dropping off airbiscots. When they had diarrhea they had to pinch off the loaf. And I was doing potty humor jokes. Oh, jeez. Why are toilets the best at poker? Because they're always getting a royal flush. Toil it goes to the doctor. Doctor says you don't look so well. Toil it says, yeah, why is that? Doctor says you look flush, okay. Well here at the Go Fuck Yourself Foundation, well you can go Fuck Yourself. Our charitable organization specializes in chronic masturbation addiction and farting in the shower. Every summer we have a relay race. It's called Laps for Faps. If you don't eat to our charitable organization, well you can go fuck yourself. Do it too much and give our charity a call. This is Diana the Dittler. It's always dealing her pussy. But She's always dealing with her pussy. But thanks to the go-fuck-yourself foundation. She's cured of her affliction. This is Fred the Fondler. He's always fondling his dick and balls. But thanks to the go, fuck yourself foundation. He's been cured. And you gotta be careful when you're farting in the shower, especially if the water is all hot and steamy. And you think you're safe. You know, you got the water rushing down your ass cracking over your butt hole and you just let it lose. And you're like, oh that felt so much better. And then those fart particles, those little poopy particles in the farth that make your farth smell like poo-poo. If you my gates onto the steam and you pretty much gas yourself out now you're sitting there with your head outside of the shower, oh boy. And be careful when you're farting it underneath the covers. That's how you make a hot pocket. or I call it a hot air balloon. Especially if your wife is sleeping next to you. You know, whatever you had that night, it's giving you the far, it's like a motherfucker every five minutes. You get up to use the bathroom and as soon as you release the covers. You turn on the light, you lift the lip, take a piss, and you go back to bed because you're tired. Now your wife's waking up by the smell of your nasty ass, smelling farts. Uh-huh. She gets abused the bathroom and she turns on the light. Oh God, it's blinding. And she goes to sit down on the toilet, boop, she dumped her couche in the toilet and it's like, where did it kill you to lower the lid? Would it kill you to look? look. The toilet seat argument is such a stupid argument that couples get into. Really it takes about 10 extra seconds fellas to lower the god damn toilet lid. She shouldn't have to. Because quite frankly being able to pee standing up is a male privilege that I think a lot of men take for granted. Women have to squat when they pee. on here, here we go. Picture this scenario, you're a woman and you're camping and you're having a couple drinks around the bonfire and you don't want to use that nasty porta-potty, all you got to do is piss. So you find some bushes, you go and have a squat, right? Come back about ten minutes later, your kuchy starts itching, you're like, what the fuck? You're looking at your vagina, like,, like, I've vagina like oh shit I squatted over some poison ivy this is convenient any of you assholes brandy poison ivy it's cream no fuck and and before that you're thinking yourself oh jeez my vagina is itching and burning up what am I gonna do and you're sitting there thinking was the last asshole you slept you slept with is a feminine and burning up. What am I going to do? And you're sitting there thinking, was it the last asshole you slept with? Is it a feminine problem? No, you squatted over some poison ivy. And then you start your period. And it's like, oh, that's convenient. You know why the period punctured weight to the end of a sentence? And why they call it a period because when she's on hers end of discussion yes sir you know what they call it menopause because men will put their shit on pause to help you do with your issues you're sitting there help you do with your issues. You're sitting there drinking a beer with your hand down your pants, watching the game like, ah, my nuts inch, hold up, I don't know, stop. Ask the stuff. Your wife comes out with a mustache thicker than San Amelia, Jesus Christ! You one of them trans people seeing him as raving about? No, you asked how I'm on metapause. Well, I'm sorry, honey. I didn't know. Like, did you turn out the fucking air conditioner? It's too god damn cold in here. Sure thing. Two minutes later. Oh my god, it's too fucking hot. hot turn on the air conditioner yes dear I'm sorry honey I still think you're pretty yeah fuck you now I actually feel sorry for women because I you know I've heard women complain about their periods my entire life and that can't be fucking easy I try to think okay men or assholes. So if men had their period, what would it look like? They would bleed out their asshole for like four days straight. Their balls would hurt. They'd be horny enough to fuck pretty much anything, but they can't get their dick hard. And then they'd be moody as fuck on top of it. Oh Chad thinks all that, because it's got a 69 Camaro? Fuck him! It's like, honey, go to the fridge and get me a beer. I'm bleeding out my asshole. Get at yourself! You don't pay attention to my needs. That's exactly what it would look like if a man had his period. Like I wanna sit here and drink beer and watch home improvement. Leave me alone. People say I kind of look like Ozzy Osbourne the Prince of Darkness. I'm like yeah if Ozzy Osbourne had buttsets with Bubbles Matilla Park boys and the baby that came out had fetal alcohol syndrome and was losing his hair one second. And if you're gonna take the piss out of Cobra, guess what? I control myself better than anyone else. No offense to Ozzy of course. People are giving me shit about the cat that I rescued the other day. And I might keep laughing. That's the most pussy I've gotten in like six years. Ow I bit my finger that hot YouTube I'll tell you what the worst society is going off the rails on a crazy train anymore. It's ridiculous. You got people who identify as cats. And I'm like, okay so you really like cats. and I'm like, okay so you really like cats. I'm cool with cats, man, when they're nice and they're not complete assholes to you. Am I right? Where are my fellow cat? Okay, fellow animal lovers. If you own a cat, you know what's up? Cats are fucking assholes. You know? Like you're sitting there trying to cook something and the cat jumps on top of the counter and you're like, Salem, get off the counter. No! Like you little bastard, you pick them up and put them on the ground. And what do they do? They get back up on the counter. Your great-grandmother left you some antique China that is virtually priceless and like well over a hundred years old and impossible to find. What do they knock it off the counter like you little counter like you little counter? priceless and like well over a hundred years old and impossible to find what do they do? Boop! They knock it off the counter like you little bastard! Those are priceless family earloms little fucker. This is the thanks I get for spoiling you, filling your cat dish with your favorite wet cat food And then adding a layer of oil free sardines And then a couple of non spicy sushi rolls and then a sprinkle a cat nip on top Oh, I see how it is Cats love sardines dude they go nuts over that shit but if you get your cats any sardines they have to be oil free sardines because the salt is bad for their cholesterol and if you give cats sushi you cannot I repeat just give them the roll nothing spicy no wass hobby no no soy sauce just you, you know what I'm saying? But some cats don't like fish, Cobra, you should get a cat. I'm like, no. I want Puff back. I'm not going to find it with this crappy weather. You know, it'll be a fucking miracle if Puff comes back alive at this point. You know? I've been severely depressed over Puff, and I'm just trying to keep my head above the surface. You know, I can always get another pet, but that's kind of beside the point. I love that lizard. He was so fucking cool, dude. The cats are fucking assholes. One of my buddies adopted a cat from the shelter fucking assoles. 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I'm like, what'd you get the cat? He goes, I adopted it. I'm like, that's pretty cool right on. And I'm drinking with them and I didn't try to force the interaction. Excuse me. I didn't try to force the interaction, excuse me, but the cat's checking out the situation and he's like, my owner lives you, all right. And then out of nowhere the cat just jumped up on the chair at my friend's place and crawled in my lap and I'm like, aw, you're one of the nicer cats, aren't you? Because I'm great with animals. You can literally see me on YouTube feeding wonderbred deer. And a couple of years after that happened, I shit you not when the deer came back. I was able to feed the deer directly out of my hand and pet them. And people who were standing by watching the whole scenario go down, they're like, Damn, that is majestic as fuck! But no cat's your fucking assholes. The burglar breaks into your house and they hear. Like what the fuck you got a pet cobra? Versus Oof. What the fuck was that? Hey, that was my Ruttweiler pit bull mix. Yeah But then again if your cat's loud enough, they'll wake you up, you know? And like I said, I'm cool with cats dude. You know, like I am cool with cats even if they're not cool with me. If my family or my friends or my neighbors have cats, hey man. You know what I'm saying? I was like, hey, it was a kitty, kitty, kitty, it is a bloody kitty's., kitty, it was a bloody kitty's, it, bloody kitty's, it, it was a bloody kitty's,, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,itty, it is a bloody kitty's, it was kitty's, look at them. The cats are assholes, dude, they really are. Every cat on her knows exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah, that one moment were just like, ooh oh dude. The thing about cats is like, they're like, you will pet me when I want you to. And then as soon as they're done being petted, they will claw you or bite you. And it's like oh fuck. Okay. You're done having attention. Sorry Geez Or his dogs is just like unconditional, you know No offense to anyone who has cancer Welcome to Wyoming if you spill your beer we will hang you next to your horse. Here in Wyoming we have two seasons. Construction and construction season and winter time. you This stand up routine brought to you on park why they go fuck yourself foundation. Now I need one of them decorative towels are so fancy oh my god somebody went to a bed bath and beyond And like, what's the deal with women shopping? Have you seen this? You know? They just go into a store to look at shit. You're not buying anything, you're just looking. And then you run into like, then she'll run into her secret friend of me that she secretly fucking hates. Cheryl and her new husband, her new husband, Cheryl and her husband just got a new car and a promotion at work and oh my gosh, she'll tell anybody who will listen. And it's like, oh my God, so so, how are you doing? Oh my God, it's been too long. You're here shopping too? And like, you want to punch your husband in the fucking face because he's got to show off his 69 Camaro, like a little fucker there he is. But you don't, because you're a guy, you know? You're like, yeah, nice car man. Yeah, sure. And you know as soon as you get into the fucking car you're going to hear it from your wife. all that because Brad got a fucking bratchet whatever his fucking super name is got a fucking promotion at work fuck him why can't we have nice things I fucking hate her guts and you look at your wife and go okay if you hate Cheryl why the fuck did you agree to go to her branch on Sunday? well I don't want to be a snob. Even though as soon as you bring wine over to the brunch in, all the girls that are at that party are going to go, oh my God, as soon as she's not listening or in the room, can you believe the wine she brought? Oh my God, what a fucking cheap slot! Uh-huh. Or like you get the fucking dude to go to a barbecue and they always go to like talk shit on the beer that's being offered. And I'm like, here's the thing of it. If you're drinking it, shut the fuck up. Living in my dream house and my wife had a book club? Oh trust and believe. I would come in with a persuto or whatever the fuck it's called, a tray full of crackers, grapes, cheeses, and meats. Excuse me. And the finest selection of wines, pink champagne, whatever her little heart desires. And I would serve it on a silver platter just so all her gal pals can go oh my god you're so lucky I wish my other half treating me this good uh-huh here's a thought ladies you don't have to give your man a blow job to make him happy necessarily when football Sunday is on, even though football is not your thing, check this out. You make a plate of nachos, and you make some sandwiches, and you bring out a couple of ice-cold beers, sit on his lap, and eat a sandwich with him while you're drinking a beer. All of his guy friends will collectively lose their shit. Oh my god, Chad is so lucky, my woman hates it when I watch football but she expects me to go shopping with her, but she doesn't buy anything. And I'm like, that's what it's like when you're dating folks. Am I right? folks and my writer and my rights. Let's a party. Rip rim brass, fuck them in the ass, rip room knees, suck my dick please. And if you were told that deli partner was 80 years old, that would have been like bullshit. It's only SWAT shaming and body shaming when you give people crap for the way they dress when they're overweight. I'm like, fuck that double standard. I mean if it's all about body positivity then you should embrace all body types. Tall, short, fat, skinny, you know. It's what it is. The body positivity only exists for women because women are held to a higher beauty standard than men and is disgusting. On top of that, women are overly sexualized in our society and I think that's just messed up. If Del A. Parton would have been like 900 pounds overweight wearing that cheerleader outfit, our society would have been like, yes Queen, Slay, oh my god, body positivity. But because she's got the body of a fucking 20 year old, everyone gets super pissy and jealous, like you need to dress your age. Don't fuck off. When I'm 80 years old, I'm still going to dress the same way I'm dressing right now. I don't even want to be friends with women that they secretly hate. I'll never understand that. In the last six years of my dry spell, I've been doing some research on what makes the gender tick. And trying to understand women, and for the life of me, I can't understand why the fuck women want to be friends with chicks that they fucking hate. Because to me, that doesn't make any sense. As a dude, if I don't like you I'm not going to be friends with you or hang out with you you know like it's farks I saw a woman walking out of the grocery store and you know what I said to her? I said nice cans honey. She said excuse me? And I said I was referring to the cans of beer in your in your in your possession. You got good taste. I tell you what no respect I know creepy looking how creepy looking are you I'm so creepy looking I give the out of this family nightmares. I know creepy looking how creepy looking are you I'm so creepy looking I give the out of no respect. I know, creepy looking. How creepy looking are you? I'm so creepy looking, I give the Adams family nightmares. Brana-na-na-na-na-na-na-na. Well, fuck yourself. You're like, hey, the Adams family was super progressive before it was even a thing, because they have cousin-it. See what I did there they them Adams how you doing so and so Hey, you like Harry Potter? What's your house? Slitherin? You wanna see my bassal is? Whooch! Oh, fuck! Well, that didn't work. Let's try this again. Hey, you like Harry Potter? What's your house? Slitherin? Because I wanna slitherin' to your dams. You like guitar players? because I'd rock your world? Ha ha! You want to find out why I'm special? Let's not because of my autism. Winning! You hear about these Tesla's, these cars that drive themselves? Oh, that's dead. from the bar that can be a hazardous kind of thing so you apply that same logic to your Tesla you stumble out of the bar like 11 o'clock at night going oh man I am so hammered you know what sounds really good Taco Bell you get into your Tesla and you're like Tesla take me a tackle bell you get into your Tesla and you're like test what take me a Taco Bell? Oh crap, it doesn't work like that. So like you sit there and like you punch in the coordinates and then you're like, Okay, I want to pass out and wait till they wait till I get there. You wake up and you're like two towns over like how the fuck did this happen? And the battery's dead. You're like well shit The test loads are kind of cool. You can access the internet and everything from your car You know that's what sounds like a new little wade song. I'm watching pornography in my Tesla, uh, touching myself in my Tesla, uh, uh, I could get real hairy real quickly especially if someone rear ends your ass. And right before the paramedics get there, you're sitting there deleting your porn history. Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They're deleting your porn history like no no no no no cheese wrong dog gets rear-ended she's not the only one getting rear-ended You better call guy code a fix your car dude It's like what are all these water up tissues in your track and your Tesla's trash can I just got over a really nasty cold, yeah, uh-huh. I got my windows tented, they can't see me, I'm touching myself and my Tesla. Why the fuck was the church balance special Ed? Well, he was a real ding-ling. Oh, geez. See, there were dad jokes. Well, he was a real dingling. Oh, geez. See, there were dad dad jokes and then there were Josh jokes. Josh jokes are way worse. Why jokes are so cheesy they belong on nachos. Like what's the deal with wine snobs? Have you seen these assholes? Let me give you my impersonation of a wine tasting. Hmm. It tastes like bullshit and scobbery. Oh my goodness. A wine tasting. That's a silly event. Like if you're going to taste wine, you might as well fucking drink it, but they're always going on spitting it out like, that's a waste of wine, good sir. I don't want to a wine tasting event. Look how fancy we are! Oh! Anyways, YouTube. I gave you an hour of solid stand-up comedy. If you think this shit's funny as far, hit the lie to subscribe for more.