Original Video: Stand up video

Tubes We chilling like rock star villains So I got a couple jokes to swing your way Do you hear about the bubble gum YouTube? Yeah, you know what a bubble gum's favorite music? Yeah, I tell you what the bubble gum went to anger management. It kept on blowing up. You think that's bad? Do you hear about the hermaphrodite? That was both sexes. And yet at the same time non-binary? I tell ya. Fucking ridiculous. his car got dinged up. You know why the church bell went to special ed? well he was a real dingling I tell you what. Yeah. You know where a church bell's favorite part of the egg is the yolk? if you're obsessed with church bells you'd get that last one you'd be like. You'd be like oh the yoke. If you're obsessed with church bells, you'd get that last one. You'd be like, oh, the yoke. This guy's making bell jokes. Uh-huh. Quasimoto worked at a hotel. He wanted to be a bellhop. Yeah. Segue, what the fuck is a Bell's favorite music? I heard it was Bell Hip Hop. Anyone? Okay. I may be a Satanist, but I love church bells and shimes. As weird as that sounds. The clock towers and bell towers. It's just, it's majestic. It's, you know, it's beautiful peeling throughout the land. You know why the church bells were so good at picking up dames? Because they had sex appeal. had sex appeal too. You can always spawn a single lady at the grocery store. She's looking at the bananas like, huh. I'm talking about food porn. You see these chicks fucking themselves with cucumbers? Holy shit. Well, I'll tell you what. That'd be a weird way to make pickles. We have Huns Tomatoes, now we got Kunts Pickles. Kuntz Pickles. Now that's the raunchiest crunch I've ever heard. You see the Velasic bird holding a fucking pickle like it's a cigar like… I mean it that's something YouTube. The cucumber has the word come in it and it's shaped like a dick. You believe this shit? fucking ridiculous. have the word come in it and it's shaped like a dick. You believe this shit? Fucking ridiculous. I mean I've heard of food porn, but God damn. Yeah, pauching off that old smoky moonshine that I have from last night. This stuff's good. This is the Mountain Java flavor, not a sponsor. about the cigarette smoker? The cigarette smoker who did lousy stand-up comedy? Oh you couldn't hack it I tell ya. Okay a cigarette lung hacking joke. Yeah, to hear about the sexually active jar, it was pretty much open to anything. Okay. I tell you what. So when trans people get thirsty, they drink gender fluid. Gotta stay hydrated, man, don't matter what gender you are. Anyone? Okay. No, gender fluid is the stuff that transgendered people put in their transgendered cars. You know, I'll touch me one of those fucking assholes. You know, like you're sitting there driving your car and it's giving you problems. But it still works for you. You're like, she's my baby, that's my girl, keep going man, you got this. And some assholes like, did you just assume your car's gender? What? Did you just assume your mother fucking car's gender? You piece of shit. Excuse me? Did you ask your car's permission for consent before assuming their gender? Oh my god, you cis-gendered people are the worst. Yeah, if these fucking assholes had their own fucking serial, it'd be Kellogg's Frosted Snowflakes. They're offended. Kellogg's Frosted Snowflakes. They're offended. Yeah, you know what the oyster said when it was having a bad day? Ah, shucks. Because you shuck oysters. Okay. Uh. I'll let me a creamy spinach. Oh no no no no no no no. You like voice impressions. Hey Patrick! Baa-a-l-l-l-loo! I go outside for a cigarette and I see a cute chick and I see a cute of age chick at the bar smoking a cigarette with me just randomly bust off the Spongebob voice she has no idea when it's coming it just happens and two things are gonna happen one she'll either think I'm weird and creepy or funny as shit or two she'll laugh her ass off like what's you're hoping for the latter of the two? pineapple under the sea. That's just a random ass. That's why I did so well, Spongebob is because it was so random. Everyone in Bikini Bottom, Spongebob is the only one with a god damn pineapple house. Yeah, you're probably smoking that pineapple express if you catch my drapped. Whoa. Hey Patrick, you want to smudge some seaweed? Sure Spunchbob, I'm totally down. A few moments lay down. Holy shit Patrick, the seaweeds got me stowing off my particles! Squiver comes over at Spongebop. Watch that smell. You're sticking up the whole neighborhood. A Squidward, you gotta try this. I would… I, not fucking. Is Squibward smoked weed? That'd be some funny shit. He'd be like, I fell so relaxed. Way if Patrick Star smoked marijuana would that make him dumber. Yeah. That's one of those, fuck your mind questions. Yeah. I appreciate whoever done anything.. I appreciate whoever donated all that money to my PayPal. I got off my live stream last night, I had like $200 in my PayPal. I was just like, well, now thank you for that. I greatly appreciated. I took half of that $200 and stuck it in my bank account because my bank account was in the negative. I took half of that $ 200 and stuck it in my bank account now. Because my bank account was in the negative. And I didn't even ask for it. Did people just give it to me? And you want to call me a fucking e-bager? Go fuck yourself. Plus the 200 sema on dollars that may not have been off of Etsy. Yeah. We'll get them shipped down on Monday, I do appreciate you all buying the wines. You know, coffee likes to get sexual? It flips the bean. Get it? Flicks the bean? Coffee bean? Anyone? Okay. Was that a vagina coffee joke? Yes, yes it was. They'd be like the worst pickup line ever. Hey babe, can I put some of my horsey sauce and your roast beef? Which… Now if a chick slaps me, I'm gonna be like, oh hey honey if you want my number you don't get on me. She pepper sprays my ass. I'm going to be like well if you want to heat things up let's go to my bedroom. She pours a drink on me I'm like, huh, I guess drinks are on me. Speaking of drinks, you ever heard of this drink called Sex on the Beach. Which sounds pretty romantic until you get sand up your ass crack. And this is just like everyone else at the beach is mortified. Mommy, my eyes! Ain't that some shit? What should you do to an adult's only nudity speech? Then people aren't so like freaked out by it, which I'm pretty sure they have laws against that. Like, okay, we get this is a nudity speech, but come on guys, and gals. Let's keep our private parts to ourselves now What brings you to these private park? You're going to private park, I mean, a pussy out, and you're like, yes. Walking around like, hey, what are you doing? private park, I mean private locations. Are you going to catch some sun? Cool, you want to catch them rays? How about catching a load of seaman, because we're on the beach baby, what? Eww, yeah! I'm gonna get me some more booze after a bit but I just woke up so I really don't need it need it you know what I'm saying I don't even really need it it's just a it's a want. I'm gonna go go on Mountain Dew. I'll be right back. And we're going to continue this Saturday, Saturday stand up video. Only 15 minutes, we can be longer than that. Yeah, you know what a bubble gum's favorite drink is? I'll tell you where the bubble gum's favorite drink is. I heard it was soda pop. If your truck has more lift than a 60 year old woman with fake tits, you might be from Wyoming. If you've ever walked into Walmart drunk off your ass off some milk can moonshine and Snake River pale ale and tried to buy a gun, you might be from Wyoming. Yeah. If you have more trucks, guns, and dogs than you do ex-girlfriends, you might be from Wyoming. than you do ex-girlfriends, you might be from Wyoming. If you've ever pissed on a rattlesnakeusted out pickup truck you might be from Wyoming. Well now Cleedis went and got an ear of corn tattooing on his dick. So it looks like the corn's being peeled fresh from the stock. And people are like, hey Cleedis, why the hell did you get your dick tattooed with an ear corn? That looks realistic because all hell. He's like, just way. He goes and he takes two Viagra's and he's standing in the cornfield just waiting patiently. Well out comes Farmer John's dumb as hell country bumpkin daughter. Yeah she's 18 years old and dumb dumber than a box of rocks. Comes walking through the cornfield and sees our Cletus' ear a corn just sticking out on the bushes. Well, she gets to fucking it now until he comes. And she don't know better if she's just dumber than shit. Because, you know country girls make do right well anyway about nine months later she's popping out on a baby and her dad it's very protective grabbed the shotgun and and goes okay who the fuck got she pregnant fixing to give them a shotgun wedding and she said the corn did it you know because like I said country girls make do yeah talk about children of the corn it's falling away from may it's falling falling away from a I'll tell you what, ridiculous. I'll tell you what, ridiculous. Talk about hot female celebrities. Have you seen the females from the show friends? Oh my goodness. All three of them chicks are fine. You want to be friends with benefits? That joke was really lame! That joke had no meaning anyway! Bana-na-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Oh, geez. I saw Hulu advertising this show called Sex Appeal and I was just like what's the deal with people shoving sex and everything you know what I'm saying? I'm all for a rashi sex joke every now. You know, it's good dirty adult humor. But I get so sick and tired of it. Practically, every show is coming out anymore is all about sex. And it's'm like, that's horrible. There's no such thing as practice partners because you do it for the first time with someone like that. You're going to catch feelings. 170 calories per can. She's telling me now, I'll drink two cans of Mountain Dew. Rats 200 plus calories of sugar caffeinated green goodness. I think that's something. If you like this kind of video hit the like button I can do more stand up comedy. At least try. Many ways, you too.