Krystal Roberts
Born: Krystal Roberts
Alias(es): None
Gender: Female
Nationality: American
Education: Some High School
Relatives: Jeff(Cousin)
Crimes: Prostitution, possession of a controlled substance
Sagas: The Wasted Saga

Krystal Roberts is a Cobraverse-adjacent content creator well known for her unique life, insane decision-making skills, and the kind of decisions a former convict and drug addict could possibly get into.

Krystal one dreadful evening while Instacarting with Cousin Jeff, who was recording the incident. The name of her stream was “Fuck This and Fuck Everthing Else”. Mechanical issues with her ride began the spiral to her ultimate demise. She had borrowed a car from a vehicle lending agency that reportedly is primarily used by individuals who have difficulty getting either affording vehicle rentals or don't have documentation to. The car secured was a white Nissan Sentra. While driving to the customers house the transmission inexplicably “fell out of the bottom”, leaving the car disabled. Krystal then proceeded to walk to the grocery where she had picked up the items and returned them for cash. With this cash, Krystal decided now would be an excellent time to completely fall off the wagon and begin drinking again, purchasing a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade and a handful of Tito's vodka shooters.

Krystal began the trek back to the disabled car, liquor in hand, rambling about nothing of importance. About halfway back to the destination, the urge to drink overcame her and she for whatever reason decided to attempt to open the twist off cap to a Lemonade with her tits, to no avail, with Jeff remarking “She's got strong boobs”. She then resorted to opening the bottle with her forearm, finally succeeding, and takes the first sip of delicious booze her sun-baked lips have felt in a while. Why she did not open the bottle like any other reasonable human being would is unknown.

Now, arriving back at the car Krystal and Jeff rest their haul of drinks on the roof of the car, and Krystal proclaims “Listen, you guys are witness the downfall of my fucking life. Mark this day, this is the day I'm going to start to spiral”. And spiral she does.

Krystal continues babbling, drinking from the bottle with a straw (??) and remarking that she needs to pee and that she doesn't know the laws regarding drinking alcohol around a car in a parking lot. She then proceeds to spray an unknown substance (presumably an odor reducer) into the car in an attempt to remove the scent of the cigarette she smoked inside the car, which she was supposed to not do. After a couple of sprays she states “I love this smell, this is bowling shoe smell…I'm gonna fucking HUFF IT”, and proceeds to spray the substance directly into her nostril.

By this time on the stream it is becoming increasingly apparent Krystal has ingested some variety of stimulant drug as evidenced by her rambling, flight of ideas, rapid speech, fidgety movements, and inability to concentrate on a single task for more than approximately 10 seconds.

The following 30 minutes is consumed with Krystal continuing to hose down the car, wipe the same surfaces with cleaning wipes, and senseless rambling with intermittent yelling like a rabid animal, all while smoking inside the car. The possibility of rabies can not be excluded, by evidenced by her aversion to water. At this point in the the stream the incoming storm begins to loom overhead, not to the awareness of Krystal. It is now important to note Kyrstal has a unique and severe phobia of thunderstorms.

Krystal at this point has amassed a collection of trash in a grocery bag, and decides that the best way of disposing of it is illegally dumping it into the Church (possibly synagogue) parking lot's dumpster, where they are stranded. Unfortunately, as one could have expected, the dumpster is kept behind a wooden gate to keep the likes of Krystal out of. This proves to be an extremely effective solution as Krystal walks up to the gate, and absolutely chowders the throw resulting in the bag of garbage smacking the wall and falling to the ground. She attempts to throw it over the wall again failing a second time, emphasizing Krystal's innate bad luck.

Krystal and Jeff return to the car, and Krystal attempts to make various phone calls and even calling José(the man she rented the car from) to secure a ride back home. Again, failing miserably, likely because of her yelling and scream-singing “Please Take Me Home” into the microphone during the calls and voice-mails.

Downtrodden and defeated, the duo hike their way back to the Kroger they bought the groceries and alcohol from, in order to loiter in the vestibule to scrounge up a solution and hopefully a stray ice cube from the freezer. A couple walks by off screen and Jeff has the big idea to ask them for a ride, which Krystal immediately shoot down and says “haven't you heard of stranger danger?”.

Having exhausted all options, the team was left with no choice but to return home on foot. Now trudging through the wind and rain, the storm coming in full force, Krystal walks at a quick pace to get home as soon as possible. The has now become a roiling sea of lighting breaking through the clouds with near constant flashes of lightning. Krystal does her absolute best to keep the storm at bay by shouting “I don't see the lightning, I don't hear the thunder”, repeatedly in a childish manner. Only a short while into the journey, the stream suddenly cuts out. The fates of the two travelers unknown until the storm subsides.

Krystal would have an abrupt disconnect from the Internet after being placed in a coma by means of a lightning strike. While the event is unsurprising given her propensity for staying outside in the face of impeding Arizona downpours, Krystal would miraculously wake up some years later, and continue to make livestreamed content.